and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
