4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
