It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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