His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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