I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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