What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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