i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
