WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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