he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
