can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
