My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
