separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I did not marry a roomba.
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