its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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