Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
