Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His nipple licking is glorious
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