hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
