I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
