You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
