im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
