Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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