Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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