ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
