I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
