tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
