Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
