The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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