I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
