I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
