false alarm. still invincible.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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