Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All the doctor said was why
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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