cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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