Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
