I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
