I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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