I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
