i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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