mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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