His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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