my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Randomize