I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
