How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
