I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
