He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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