i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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