Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
