So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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