Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need moral support for this bender
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
