It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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