My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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