I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
