Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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