Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
