hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dicks are not precious.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
