So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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